I’ve never understood why men with large man breasts are allowed to walk around without a shirt on.  It should be just as illegal as a woman walking around topless.

Honestly.  If a man’s boobs can fit into a size A bra, the smallest bra a woman can wear, then he shouldn’t be allowed to take his shirt off on the beach, at the pool, in the gym, in his backyard, etc.  It’s offensive to me when I see topless old men with their nasty hair covered chests, crouched over their bicycles dragging their deflated man breasts along the road with them.  But if I were to take a topless bike ride in the summer heat (my friends would NOT be trailing along the ground behind me), I would get arrested.  And I think I can say confidently that I’d be a prettier sight than Man Boobs.  Where’s the justice?

If a man has big breasts and gets to display them, then so should a woman.  Plain and simple.  I want my boobs to live in the land of the free, too.  

The princess and the monkey.  After 5 years together, we still know how to bring romance to the table.

Dirt Juice

My students are dropping like flies - I had ten kiddos in my class today!  While it is terrific-ly refreshing to have such a low number of bodies around the classroom,  there is an increasingly high number of something else floating in the air- GERMS. 

I have been battling a (ugh I hate to even say this four letter word) cold this weekend and have been pampering the hell out of myself to fight it.  Extra vitamin Bs, upped my dose of echinacea, tried a new vitamin for stress, and ate everything and anything with extra nutrients (kale, throat coat tea, soup, OJ, garlic, kale).  I have also been drinking what I like to call dirt juice.

I have been juicing and drinking green smoothies for five years now; however, I must admit, I tend to make my drinks more on the sweet side.  That changed this weekend when I ordered juice #3 from Whole Foods - a blend of beets, carrots, celery, kale, and apples.  I’m not sure if an orange was thrown in there too.  I love each one of those ingredients individually, but combined....eh.  It’s not horrible by any means...my interpretation of horrible is a scrambled egg or tuna fish.  But it does taste like the ground a little bit.  Taste aside - this drink is packed with a ton of vitamins and nutrients that will  help fight whatever is going on in my body coupled with extra sleep and good foods.  At least that’s my hope!  Keep your fingers crossed for me...

VD.  Venereal Disease or Valentine's Day?

Just another day....

To Potato or Not to Potato

I am a vegetarian, and I often (believe it or not) tend to keep my mouth sealed about the negative effects of meat eating in the presence of carnivores.  I am not a preacher, and it is generally impolite to blurt out a disgusting fact about meat when it is about to be popped into someone’s mouth.  However, today was not one of those days.  (Woops).  

While enjoying a lovely lunch with a few of my colleagues, the topic of the deliciousness of the cafeteria’s turkey corn dogs arose.  I sat silently, chomping away at my black bean eggrolls, while the conversation ensued.  I didn’t mind what they were saying...I mean if you find something that you think is delicious to eat, then eat it. Hell, I do it all the time.  What got to me was that the same person who loved her turkey corn dog for lunch because, not only was it scrumptious, but it was lower in calories than a beef corn dog, said that she did not eat potatoes due to the amount of starch and sugar it contains.  At this point, I exploded with a minor case of diarrhea of the mouth.

Me:  Potatoes are from our Earth!   You won’t eat something thats grown naturally (if organic) in the ground but you will eat something that’s full of chemicals and has been mechanically altered and pulled apart into the shape of a hot dog?!?

Gasp.  I truly don’t mean to offend.  Honestly, I don’t.  But this kind of thinking is just absurd!  And it’s not just our own fault for not fully informing ourselves about the nutritional values of the food we eat.  It’s the media, marketing, advertising, etc.  

“It has 15% less fat than a beef corn dog!”  I’m sure something similar to that stimulatingly intellectual slogan was slapped across the package of those suckers, but what does that even mean?  Even though it’s 15% less fat, how much fat is actually in there?  Let alone what other crap has been dumped in there too?

This, my friends, is the label of a package of turkey corn dogs:

INGREDIENTS:  Turkey Corn Dogs (Batter: Water, Enriched Flour (Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Iron, Thiamine Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Sugar, Yellow Corn Flour, Enriched Yellow Corn Meal (Yellow Corn Meal, Niacin, Iron, Thiamine Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Soy Flour, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate), Soybean Oil, Salt, Egg Yolks, Potato Flour, Dried Honey, Egg Whites, Artificial Flavor. Fried In Vegetable Oil. Turkey Frank: Mechanically Separated Turkey, Water, Salt, Contains 2% Or Less: Corn Syrup Solids, Potassium Lactate, Spices, Sodium Phosphate, Sodium Diacetate, Flavorings, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite)

Yum.

Potatoes have had a history of being viewed as an unhealthy addition to a dinner plate.  That’s true if you cook them with tons of sh*t like oils or lard, or if you eat it in form of a McDonald’s french fry or Lay’s potato chip.  While the potato may not be as nutritional as kale, beets, or carrots, it is full of wonderful nutrient for our body.  Take a look at this website when you have time to find out more information about them.

http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=48

The moral of my story is this:  Please do not deprive yourself of naturally grown fruits and vegetables.  If it is grown in the soil of this beautiful Earth and cared for properly, you should NOT deny yourself of it.  Especially not in place of a turkey corn dog. 

When It's Not That Funny...

Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Oh, that’s funny”  without actually laughing? 

This weekend, my boyfriend’s brother (Steve) and his girlfriend (Katherine) came down to Florida for a visit.  While in the car heading to dinner, Steve announced that his friends from home would be joining us.

Steve:  It’s going to be really tough to remember their names.

Me:     Oh yeah?  Why is that?

Steve:  My friend’s name is Steve and his girlfriend’s name is Michelle.

Me:     Oh, that’s funny.

But it wasn’t that funny....certainly not funny enough to laugh at.  So, why, then did I say it?  That was when I realized that there is no phrase that we can use to express the sentiment, ‘it’s funny, but not funny enough to laugh out loud.”

The conversation for the duration of our drive centered around this exact topic. We began to breed phrases that could possibly convey the idea that something can be funny, but not really laughable.  The closest sentence we came up with that proclaims this feeling is: Laughing On The Inside, or LOTI for short.  Can LOTI replace “that’s funny?”  I’m not so sure.  

Then, I realized, I’m not really laughing on the inside either!  So, again, why am I calling something funny when it’s really not?  Is it because it’s better to say something than nothing at all?  Is it just a filler...some words to throw in a conversation when we don’t know how to respond to someone?  What in the world can we say to replace such a nonsensical phrase?!?  

*If your response to this post is, “that’s funny,” please help in my mission to come up with a substitute.

Defying Gravity

What the hell is up with old women and their hair?

Which direction do you (girls) brush your hair?  Top to bottom, right?  I swear that as you get older you start brushing your hair from the bottom to the top.  Think about it.  So many young women have long, beautifully controlled, brushed out hair.  By your mid 50s, most of that shiny hair has been chopped off and replaced by brittle hair damaged by countless amounts of chemicals from perms, straightening agents or dye.  At this age, I often see the "fluff" start happening on a woman's head.  You know...the extra body they try to give their hair to create the illusion of a full body of hair rather than a slightly thinning, or possibly balding one.  Thus starts the regimen of brushing your hair from your scalp up.  Then, SMACK.  By the time you are 75 - 80ish, that 'do is straight up, high in the sky.  Gone are the days of brushing from the top of your head to the bottom of your perfectly trimmed tips.  Hello are the Marge Simpson days of getting those strands nice and high on your head to show off whatever is left of your hair.  I'm not poking fun.  I know it will probably happen to me one day.  But the next time you are surrounded by old women (as I often am nowadays) take a peek.